A secondary school teacher has been arrested this morning at London’s Heathrow Airport under suspicion of terrorism as he attempted to board a flight to New York in possession of a ruler, protractor, compass, slide-rule and a calculator. At a press conference, a Police spokesman said he believed the passenger to be a member of the notorious extremist group, Al-Gebra. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction. “In light of recent events, we must be vigilant” the spokesman said. “Al-Gebra derive solutions by means and extremes, sometimes going off on tangents in search of absolute values” he continued. The Prime Minster is unavailable to comment on the arrest, but Opposition Leader Jeremy Corbyn stated “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.” Fellow Labour colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent statement by the Opposition Leader.
