One Liner Animal Ensemble


A selection of quick one liners with an animal bias. This first racing snail groaner was from my mate Mat and to whom I thank as it seems to set the scene for the rest of these which I am sure will make you sigh too.

Let’s go.

I took the shell off my racing snail last week to see if would go faster, but if anything it seemed more sluggish.

How do you tell the difference between a cow and a bull? Milk them both. The one that smiles is the bull.

Why do crabs never give to charity? Because they’re shell fish.

Did you hear about the Veterinarian and the Taxidermist who combined their business? Their slogan is “Either way you get your pet back.”

What goes ‘peck, peck, peck, boom?’ A chicken in a mine field.

What goes ’99-thump, 99-thump, 99-thump?’ A centipede with a wooden leg.

Why does a tiger have stripes? So he won’t be spotted.

Why are there no Nurofen or Aspirin in the jungle? Because the parrots eat them all.

What’s the last thing that goes though a fly’s mind when it his your windscreen? His arse!

What do you get when you cross an owl and a rooster? A cock that stays up all night.

What do you get if you cross a sheep and a kangaroo? A woolly jumper!

If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what’s on the outside? K9P.

What do you call three rabbits in a row, hopping backwards simultaneously? A receding hare line.

How many canaries can you get under a Scotsman’s kilt? Depends how long the perch is.

A fly sees a cute little female fly land on a pile of shit. He buzzes down and says “Excuse me miss, is this stool taken?”

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? “Dam.”

Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep.

What do you call a dog with metal testicles and no hind legs? Sparky.

Why can’t Miss Piggy count to 70? Every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.

Why do hens lay eggs? If they dropped them, they’d break.

Why do seagulls live near the sea? If they lived near the bay, they’d be bagels.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? He was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? Monkey see, monkey do.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? Peer pressure.

What do you call a deer with you eyes? No eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea!

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him!

How does a frog feel when he has a broken leg? Unhoppy.

What do you call little bugs that live on the moon? Luna-ticks.

What has four legs and an arm? A happy Pitbull Terrier.

What do you call a gay dinosaur? A Megasorearse.

What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? They both like a tight seal.

What do you call two skunks doing in the 69 position? Odour eaters.