The Teachings Of Yoda And Confucius

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Imagine for one moment, surreal I concur, that Yoda and Confucius are sitting at the dinner table and are trying to outwit each other with their wisdom and teachings. The brandy and After Eights are out, maybe a cigar too. Let the banter commence.

Let the banter commence.

Confucius: How does Moses make his cup of tea? Hebrews it!

Yoda: A good mood is like a balloon. All it takes to ruin your day is a prick!

Confucius: Never phone your gay friends when they’re out partying and expect an answer. Homophones all sound the same.

Yoda: Gentlemen. If you’re dating a dominatrix and feeling tired, for fuck sake never ever suggest it’s time to hit the sack!

Confucius: If your glass is half empty, put drink in smaller cup and stop fucking moaning!

Yoda: The way to a real man’s heart is through is stomach. Unless he is a vegan, then it’s through his vagina!

Confucius: Don’t trust atoms. They make everything up!

Yoda: If your phone battery lasts all day, then nobody likes you.

Confucius: If you do not remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks for a coffee!

Yoda: You cannot say “advertisements” without semen between tits!

Confucius: It is only when mosquito lands on your testicles that you realise there are ways to resolve problems without violence.

Yoda: One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they walk away and laugh, you’re young. If they panic and run to you, you’re old.

Confucius: If you see someone doing a crossword, tap them on shoulder and whisper “7 up is lemonade”!

Yoda: The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades!

Confucius: If someone asks you to spell the word ‘part’ backwards, be warned. Don’t do it. It’s a trap!

Yoda: Nothing will embarrass a psychic more than throwing them a surprise birthday party!